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Saturday, 13 June 2009

Old people you want to slap.

Before you start calling me a cruel twat, i would never really slap an old person, but i am honest enough to admit that there has been times i have felt like it. Even though i do like to moan about things, i am really not a nasty person and i would do the right thing should the need arise, ie: Give my seat up on the bus so the elderly person can sit down, or hold a door open for them, or help an old lady up off the ground in the winter after breaking her 3rd plastic hip. However i have discovered that many of these sweet old ladies and gentlemen do have a dark side to them.

You know the kind! The ones that think they are entitled to push in the front of the post office que because someone they knew died in the 2nd world war. The ones that don't thank you for holding the door open for them, and the ones that run over your foot with their mobility scooter and scowl at you for getting in the way. If this lot wasn't bad enough, there is another breed of old people that are without intention even more annoying. Yes i am talking about the ones that having nothing to do with their lives except to slow everybody else down.

Most Sundays are the perfect example of this breed, but they are known to appear on days ending with the letter Y. OK it's Sunday morning and I am off work and want to have a relaxing day. So much so that i start the day with a lie-in. I get up, have a bite to eat and decide to drive to the paper shop for a newspaper. On the way out of the door my wife shouts down to me "Bring back some more Potatoes, i don't have enough for dinner". OK so instead of the paper shop i am going to the shopping centre.... it's no problem.

Well not until i pull out of the street.

There is an old couple right in front of me driving at about 16 miles per hour. Hmm wonder where they are going..... Yep you guessed it, i am stuck behind them all the way to the store. What should take 10 minutes takes about 3 hours (yeah so what, i slightly exaggerate)

Now the potatoes are in the basket, and i am rushing towards the checkout when 2 old ladies walk right in front of me. Both are dragging them granny trolleys that have always been the latest OAP craze and getting bigger every year along with a decor from the inside of Del boys flat.

They Stop right in the middle of the isle and start discussing how bad the weather is this morning. ARGHHH! this is the moment i can feel my strongest slap hand actually twitch. Anyway i ease past with a polite "excuse me" and a forced smile. They didn't move a muscle and didn't even acknowledge i had squeezed through. Eventually i get to the checkout and wait while the old lady in front of me sifts through her Mary Poppins handbag to find the coupon she cut out of the newspaper with the special offer "10 p off luxury quilted toilet tissue"

My head is screaming "LETS GO YOU OLD BAG!" ........... oh dear, my milk is leaking, says the old bag/lady. It's OK i will run over and get you another one, says the girl on the checkout. The old lady looks at me and says "Sorry". The vein in my head gives her a smile and i reply "It's ok" 5 minutes later once the girl returns and the old lady empties her copper jar out to pay for her goods, i get served and head over to the newspaper counter, woohoo no que, i buy my newspaper and head to the car park. I get in the car, pull out of the car park and head home behind another old man driving like he only has one wheel inflated.

Do old people do this on purpose? I bet they have meetings at the village hall before the rest of the country is even out of bed on a Sunday and discuss their plan of action of how to piss off as many people under the age of 60.


  1. wait till your old before you judge them- then you can judge them for the slugs they are- some of them...

  2. I don't judge them, i was just pointing out the things they do that irritate me.