Chavs - kids that think their hard

Most UK cities have these little viruses loitering around the streets these days. I say Viruses because they are nasty little buggers that have spread across the country at an alarming rate. I am sure other countries with have their own version of these little skid marks, only under a different name.

Basically they are gangs of youths not quite kids anymore but still far from being adults that hang around village centres picking on any normal kid that looks weaker than them, drinking cider, puking cider and pissing in bus stops are to name but a few of their amazing talents.

However in recent times we are reading more and more articles in the newspapers of these "idiots" carrying knifes and even reports of them stabbing some father because he has asked them to move away from the front of his house. Or as a gang they have beat to a pulp some young guy for refusing to buy them their drink from the local shop.

If your not from the uk, but ever come for a visit, you can spot them a mile off. One of the main features of a Chav is they tuck their tracksuit bottoms into their socks...... erm why? I don't know. I used to do it when i was a kid if i was riding my bike in order to stop the bottom of my jeans getting stuck into the cogs. I would remove the socks as soon as i could because it looked so stupid to be walking around like that. Maybe that's why they like it, because it looks stupid and that's how they like to behave.

I just can't see what makes these krankie wannabes the way they are. They have no respect for anyone including their parents. Many people say it is down to their parents for the way the kids have turned out. I would have to agree with that, but it is also the lack of power the police have to do anything about these gangs.

If i had my own way i would just send them all to do 6 month solider training in the army, but hey, that would break their human rights, which in my opinion is another disgrace...... but i will leave that for another moan.

Do you agree with the above?

Everybody must hate call centres

I don't believe anyone can actually like ringing call centres. They are meant to be a form of communication between yourself and a business, and the business is meant to want your custom. However 90% of the time it is almost impossible to get through to a human being.

Press option 1 for an extra hour on hold

Press option 2 for an adviser to cut you off.

Press option 3 to listen to more of this crappy hold music

Press option 4 to make a pointless complaint

Or

Press option 5 for me to repeat these options.

For all other enquiries please hang up and don't try again.

If you do manage to find an option that works for you, and you also manage to withstand listening to a few hours of classical music, the very least you would expect is somebody on the other end of the phone that can actually help you. However this isn't always the case. I have experienced on a number of occasions that once you do get through to the human you were so eager to speak to, they struggle to understand a word you are saying. This is either because they are still learning the English language or they are simply thick as pig shit.

I have no doubt that my blood pressure most go through the roof when calling these "CONtact centres". Even if i am lucky enough not to be waiting long on hold, and do get straight through to an English speaking human, you can still guarantee i will still be passed through to 3 other departments before one of the advisers realises that i am not going to give in and hang up.

Please share with me your call centre nightmares. Or let me know some good companies for customer service and if you were impressed at how they run their call centres.

Old people you want to slap.

Before you start calling me a cruel twat, i would never really slap an old person, but i am honest enough to admit that there has been times i have felt like it. Even though i do like to moan about things, i am really not a nasty person and i would do the right thing should the need arise, ie: Give my seat up on the bus so the elderly person can sit down, or hold a door open for them, or help an old lady up off the ground in the winter after breaking her 3rd plastic hip. However i have discovered that many of these sweet old ladies and gentlemen do have a dark side to them.

You know the kind! The ones that think they are entitled to push in the front of the post office que because someone they knew died in the 2nd world war. The ones that don't thank you for holding the door open for them, and the ones that run over your foot with their mobility scooter and scowl at you for getting in the way. If this lot wasn't bad enough, there is another breed of old people that are without intention even more annoying. Yes i am talking about the ones that having nothing to do with their lives except to slow everybody else down.

Most Sundays are the perfect example of this breed, but they are known to appear on days ending with the letter Y. OK it's Sunday morning and I am off work and want to have a relaxing day. So much so that i start the day with a lie-in. I get up, have a bite to eat and decide to drive to the paper shop for a newspaper. On the way out of the door my wife shouts down to me "Bring back some more Potatoes, i don't have enough for dinner". OK so instead of the paper shop i am going to the shopping centre.... it's no problem.

Well not until i pull out of the street.

There is an old couple right in front of me driving at about 16 miles per hour. Hmm wonder where they are going..... Yep you guessed it, i am stuck behind them all the way to the store. What should take 10 minutes takes about 3 hours (yeah so what, i slightly exaggerate)

Now the potatoes are in the basket, and i am rushing towards the checkout when 2 old ladies walk right in front of me. Both are dragging them granny trolleys that have always been the latest OAP craze and getting bigger every year along with a decor from the inside of Del boys flat.

They Stop right in the middle of the isle and start discussing how bad the weather is this morning. ARGHHH! this is the moment i can feel my strongest slap hand actually twitch. Anyway i ease past with a polite "excuse me" and a forced smile. They didn't move a muscle and didn't even acknowledge i had squeezed through. Eventually i get to the checkout and wait while the old lady in front of me sifts through her Mary Poppins handbag to find the coupon she cut out of the newspaper with the special offer "10 p off luxury quilted toilet tissue"

My head is screaming "LETS GO YOU OLD BAG!" ........... oh dear, my milk is leaking, says the old bag/lady. It's OK i will run over and get you another one, says the girl on the checkout. The old lady looks at me and says "Sorry". The vein in my head gives her a smile and i reply "It's ok" 5 minutes later once the girl returns and the old lady empties her copper jar out to pay for her goods, i get served and head over to the newspaper counter, woohoo no que, i buy my newspaper and head to the car park. I get in the car, pull out of the car park and head home behind another old man driving like he only has one wheel inflated.

Do old people do this on purpose? I bet they have meetings at the village hall before the rest of the country is even out of bed on a Sunday and discuss their plan of action of how to piss off as many people under the age of 60.

People that say LOL after everything

The title is self explanatory, but the reasons as to why people do this has yet to be answered. In today's world of social networks, Chat rooms, groups, forums, email and texts, we have all had to learn a way to express what we are feeling using typed words, but some people are either overdosing on happy pills or lying about how funny something you said was.

Just in case some people reading this have just been born (LOL) means "Laugh out loud" or if it was something really funny, people might put (lMAO) meaning "Laughing my arse off". However the thing that is quite irritating is when people use it after almost every sentence. Why do it? Do you expect me to believe that everything i say is hilarious?

I wonder if it is just becoming a habit for some people. I could actually say to some of my friends on facebook "My mam has just broke her leg" and their reply would be "hope she is ok lol". Now in the real world of face to face communication you wouldn't laugh at me if i had just told you that my mam had broke her leg, well not unless you thought my mam was a complete Muppet that you didn't like very much. However that could never be the case, because my mam is great.

Don't get me wrong i myself use the word "LOL" sometimes, but in most cases i have at the very least smiled about something you said.

If you insist on laughing about everything i type, then try to use different phrases to make it more believable. Instead of using "lol" all of the time, try a "ha ha" one day, or a "he he", or *snigger* or *grin*. Give it a try.

Are you a LOL addict? Let me know.

Does my bum look big in this?

Why do women insist on asking their husband/boyfriend if a certain dress of a pair of jean makes their bum look fat? No matter what answer the man gives it will be the wrong one. A perfect example that has actually happened to me is:

Girl: Do you think these jeans make my bum look fat?

Me: No (the quick answer without even looking, because i am trying to watch the TV)

Girl: Well look then!

Me *signs* Erm, they do look a bit tight at the top.

Girl: (as she storms off back upstairs) You think I'm fat don't ya? Remind me never to ask you your opinion again.

Me: OK babe.

I wonder how they would react if i just said, "yeah you look like a massive big butt baboon"

Maybe if i ever get depression really bad and want a quick suicide i could try it. Anyway I have learned over the years that we can't win when it comes to questions like this, but it still really frustrates me when asked this impossible question by my wife.

My final few words of wisdom on this subject go to any woman that has done this, or still does this to their partner........

Clothes don't make you look fat...

FAT makes you look fat so don't ask!

Men are not built for shopping

Can anyone answer this for me please?

Why do women expect me NOT to moan when we are out shopping? It has to be one of the most boring things a man can go through, and something we like to get over and done with as QUICKLY as possible. I shall let you into a few hints as to why i feel most men hate shopping. The first reason and in my opinion the main reason is women like to inspect everything. For example, there is a massive isle filled with bread, loads and loads of bread all equally as soft as each other, yet my wife likes to squeeze everyone before deciding which one she is going to buy (which just so happens to be the last one she picks up).

Now a man (Or should i say most men) would walk down the isle and put a loaf in the trolley and then he's straight round to the next isle, which lets say is fruit and veg. OK so i need an onion...... there you go an onion is in the trolley. I don't need to look at all the onions before picking one. I swear i can actually see women pressing their thumb against the onion.

What the hell for? An onion is meant to be hard.

Anyway that is one reason, i am not gonna go down every isle in the store with you, I'm sure you get what i am saying.

Another reason which can be more annoying than the first is that your wife or partner can often bump into someone they know and decide to have an in depth discussion about how the kids are doing at school, or the 2 week holiday they have just been on. This doesn't help the man in his quest to get out of the building as QUICKLY as possible. At this point, that actual moment in time, if you look at the mans face and see a smile, believe me it is a fake one.

However nothing can be worse for a man than going around ALL the shops with his partner looking for clothes. For god's sake ladies, please understand that men would rather push cocktail sticks into their eyeballs than wait for you to try on every top, skirt, dress, leggings, jacket, cardigan etc from every shop in a 10 mile radius of the city centre, only for you to go back to the first shop you looked in and buy the first thing you tried on.

If there is any men out there that disagree with me and actually enjoy this form of torture, please get in touch and share with the world your secret.

Would this bother you?

Not sure if i have some sort of disorder, but sometimes little things can really irritate me. Don't get me wrong i don't smash the house up if i discover the food tins in the cupboard are not facing the right way or find that the toilet roll isn't folded into a neat triangle at the bottom. In fact people that do them sort of things irritate me. Anyway to get to my point, take a look at my contact details located somewhere on the right hand side of this page. My email address is one letter too long for the width of the section, so it looks like this...

"Contact me

Email:sorrythatusernameistaken@gmail.co

m"

Now that might seem like a stupid thing to let irritate me, but i see it every time i view the page, and to me it sticks out like a sore thumb. Would this bother you? Should my wife phone the men in white coats to take me a way and fix my brain? I refuse to believe it's just me with which something like that would be irritating.

Let me know.

Why set this blog up?

Well the easy answer would be to say something like "its a way to vent out my frustrations" and in a way that would be correct. However my wife is always telling me i do nothing but moan and complain all day long. So i thought about what she said and concluded that she was just moaning.

Anyway i got to wondering if there were other people out there like me, that enjoy having a moan about everything. Maybe some people could actually see where i was coming from. I don't believe all that sexist rubbish about men being the worst moaners. I have seen and dated a few that could moan for England if not the world..... except my current wife of course *coughs* She is the light of my life and i love her with all my heart....

Moving on... I will apologise for the look of this blog. I know it is very basic, but one thing you will discover about me is if at all possible i will always do things the easy way. That is if i am able to *sighs*, for example (you ready for it, here comes my first moan)

I was setting up my new google mail account to use on this blog and thought i would make my username something simple and easy to remember. I tried my name first, and guess what message i got? "Sorry that username is taken" (you see where this is going) I tried my favourite football team "Sorry that username is taken", i tried various nicknames because i didn't want to have stupid numbers before or after my username as i would keep forgetting what it was when someone asked me for it. After a wasted half an hour of my time and many many "Sorry that username is taken" messages i tried one more....... fuckoff@googlemail.com

..........please wait............

.......

............"Sorry that username is taken"

I was starting to see red mist when a monitor saving moment occurred. Yes you guessed it, i typed Sorrythatusernameistaken as the username and i saw something i had never saw before..... "Available" and 5 mins later my heart rate was getting back to normal. So at least now you know what your letting yourself in for by reading my blogs. I hope you find some of my future moans amusing.

You are more than welcome to contact me and tell me what makes you moan (in a none sexual way please) just email me at: .............................. Sorrythatusernameistaken@gmail.com